The Squib Job Assignment Agency
by wujy
Summary: A job interview with everyone's favorite Hogwarts caretaker.


A/N: Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition - Kenmare Kestrels - Keeper - Word Count: 1,305

Prompt: Argus Filch's job interview

* * *

The offices of the Squid Job Assignment Agency were stifling and smelled faintly of lemon cleaning solution. The sole occupant of the waiting area, a young man in overlarge wizarding robes, was adjusting his collar uncomfortably, all too aware of the growing patch of sweat between his shoulder blades. He was pale and thin and surprisingly pimply despite being well into his twenties. An ancient woman sat at the front desk, wrapped in three shawls and still shivering even though she had turned the thermostat to an obscene temperature.

 _Or else she's shaking because her muscles aren't strong enough to hold the weight of her own bones_ , the man thought to himself bitterly as he quietly roasted in his own juices.

"Argus Filch?"

The young man jumped slightly as a door on the other side of the lobby opened and his name was called. Standing in the doorway was a tall, stocky man with a clipboard and very little hair on the crown of his head.

Argus stood quickly, looking slightly chastised as though someone had somehow overheard his bitter thought about the old receptionist.

"Yes," Argus said, wincing when the sound of his own voice seemed a little too loud to himself.

The man with the clipboard smiled in the genial way that grandfather's smile at grandchildren they only see once a year—friendly, but distant at the same time. He waved Argus over with the clipboard and stood back from the doorway.

"Come, come," said the man. "We're all ready for you."

Argus quickly walked into the back offices and followed the interviewer down a narrow hall and past a series of cubicles where several bored-looking office employees were carrying out various office tasks. Finally, they stopped at an empty cubicle and the man with the clipboard sat behind a plain, wooden desk that was identical to the ones in all the other cubes. He directed Argus into a worn-looking plastic chair, and Argus sat, folding his hands nervously in his lap.

"So, Mr. Filch," the man said, thumbing open a folder that had Argus' name on it, "this isn't the first time you've been to the Ess-Jay-Double-Ay, is it?"

Argus shook his head. "No, sir," he replied. "I've been placed before."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Filch. I'm Anthony Gale," the man replied. "I see here," he went on, looking through the paperwork in the folder, "that you've been placed six times in the past five years. Is that right?"

Argus nodded. "The only jobs that have been available have been seasonal or temporary ones."

Mr. Gale nodded in sympathy. "Yes, unfortunately, much of the full-time positions within the wizarding community are already filled most of the time," he said. "Especially with someone as young as you, without many of the experiences that some of the high-level positions require, it can be hard to offer something more reliable. That being said, however, we have had a permanent position open up for which you are qualified."

Argus couldn't keep the relief from crossing over his face at these words. "You have?"

"Well, yes," Mr. Gale said, "but before you get too excited over it, I do have to express a few concerns about the position."

Argus' face fell a little, but he nodded to Mr. Gale. "All right."

"The position that has come open has traditionally been held by a fully-established witch or wizard. That is to say, there are a few magically un-inclined individuals who have tried to hold the position, but not more than a few months at best."

Argus frowned. "Does the position _require_ magic?"

"Well, not strictly speaking, no," Mr. Gale said. "Though, I imagine it would make it infinitely easier. Probably less stressful, I'm sure. Certainly less time-consuming."

Argus cleared his throat to draw Mr. Gale's wandering attention. "What _is_ the job?"

"Oh, right you are," Mr. Gale said with a smile, as though he hadn't realized he'd been rambling. "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is looking for a full-time caretaker. It's a live-in position, so it would require you to relocate if you choose to take the position. However..." Mr. Gale's voice trailed off as though he were trying to come up with a delicate way of expressing something unpleasant.

"However?" Argus prompted. The job was already sounding excellent, with room—and presumably board—included, but there was something about Mr. Gale's hesitance that made Argus nervous.

Mr. Gale survey Argus for a moment before deciding to answer. "Well, the job does tend to have a rather alarming effect on non-magical folks who have filled the role in the past," Mr. Gale allowed finally. "I don't mean this in any way to be a reflection on your character, or on that of any of the past caretakers. You seem like a fine young man with a good head on his shoulders. It's just that... working in such close proximity to magic students has been known to leave a deep impression on non-magic caretakers. Teenagers, Mr. Filch, can be merciless in their own right, but adding magic to the mix... Very fine men indeed have been known to leave the post before the end of the first term, bitterer and with a far darker outlook than when they went in."

Argus blinked at this response, his brow furrowing. "If the job is being a caretaker and nothing more, I should think it would be a simple thing to avoid students if that's the problem."

Mr. Gale looked uncomfortable for a moment before going on. "That is actually another matter I wished to discuss with you. Being a caretaker for any ordinary castle would be quite the undertaking, which is why the position is often filled by someone with youthly stamina. However, Hogwarts isn't merely a castle. There are several hidden corridors that must be monitored, staircases which don't always lead to the same places from day to day, and rooms which are not always, er... precisely _there_."

"Rooms that aren't always there?" Argus asked.

"Correct."

Argus was silent for a moment, struggling to digest this information. "I suppose that means I would only have to clean that room on days when it _is_ there," he said finally.

Mr. Gale smiled, but the smile didn't make it all the way up his face. "Technically," he agreed with some hesitation. "I do have to stress, however, that being surrounded by hundreds of witches- and wizards-in-training can have a devastating effect on non-magical employees of the school. It could leave you with a deep, irreversible resentment toward children, or wizarding folk in general."

"Are you certain you're offering me the position," Argus asked, "because it sounds a bit like you're trying to talk me out of it."

"I'm required to offer you the position," Mr. Gale said slowly, "because you are the next person on the list of full-time applicants." He cleared his throat and continued, "I would just hate to see this job turn you into a crooked old man with a vendetta against the students."

"Mr. Gale," Argus said, his nervousness melting away to reveal indignance underneath, "the only resentment I feel is at your implication that I am not _emotionally_ capable of being a _caretaker_. I'll take the position, if you please, and without anymore dark omens you might like to lay upon it."

Mr. Gale blanched, but didn't argue. "Very well," he said, pulling a packet of paperwork from one of his desk drawers. "If you're very certain, then I've got the paperwork right here. Let's get started."


End file.
